_{i'd completely forget you, if i could. thing is, i can't. you're like that thing that just won't... leave. and you wanna know what's pathetic? i'm not sure if i want you to.}

_{writing to you, it's the only time wherein i'm honest.}

_{i can't let myself cry. i think i've lost the ability to do so. cry, i mean. after that time, i just didn't want to anymore.}

---

she stood there, waiting, and you never came. you never came, though you promised you would. you promised her forever, and nothing happened. you left her to fend for herself when she was so used to having you to talk to. you know what you did to her? no, you don't. because you've been to busy staring out at... her. another her. someone else. someone differerent. and she thinks, someone better. you replaced her, and she was heartbroken when she found out. she began thinking, what if he never wanted what i did? was he just playing around? is this how it's supposed to be? was this meant to be? maybe we were never meant to be around each other for long. but you promised me you would. are you listening? you promised her you'd be there. you promised her forever. and she believed you. you told her you weren't using her, and she believed you. she's at fault, i suppose. for believing you when you promised that you'd be ther for her. and when she finally did start opening up to the option of opening up, you left.

---

if i left too, would you notice? would you pay attention to me? if i ignore you, like them, would you finally care? would you finally take notice? cause i'm always just here, aren't i? i always have been. but really, would you notice if i weren't?

it's really pathetic, how i can't genuinely get mad at you. because when you appear, i'm not mad anymore. you're just so fuckingly annoying that way. 

iniwanan mo ko, yun lang yun. napansin mo ba? linayuan mo ko, nawala ako sa buhay mo, yun ginusto mo eh. bigla na lang, hindi na tayo nagusap. ngayon, wala na tayong pinaguusapan. ngayon, kung tignan kita, wala na tayong sigurong magkapareho. ikaw, pag tinitignan mo ko, pareho pa ba ako sa dati kong sarili? teka teka, tinitignan mo pa ba ako? hindi na pa kailangan yan itanong. alam ko na. wala ka namang talagang pakialam eh. tulad ng dati, ikaw lang nakikita mo. yun lang naman eh, dating dati pa. ikaw lang, ikaw, ikaw. ang nakakapatay, wala akong ginugusto, makausap ka lang.

i wrote you a letter today, it isn't much, but i'm planning to make it more. i'll never give it to you, though. like the countless other letters i've written you. i just haven't written to you in a long time, it sort of felt good to be back writing to you..

http://amlcp.livejournal.com

i guess that i'll use this about you now, since, well, you don't check this out, anymore. i think. but hey, it isn't like you still check out my more public blog, either.

 

why am i still even thinking about checking on you? maybe it's because i know you might need me. maybe it's because i want you to need me; because i need you to need me. i keep thinking that i lose those feelings, but no. whenever you call me, you stay in my head. for the short amount of time we talk now, it's all that i think about. and i always can't wait till we talk again.

i hate you for that. i hate what you've done to me. i hate that you messed me up in the first place. i hate it. 

i thought i lost you, dammit. i thought i lost the thought of you, to be real here. real. reality. reality sucks.

the world is so much better inside my head. 

it's summer now, has been the second passed 12.30 in the afternoon. i know it doesn't matter and that i don't really write about what happened at school and shit, but i'm doing it now. besides, i'll probably end up writing about some useless thing i cooked up again.

when we were watching joyce's boy up on stage singing [with a damn good voice] i whispered to patricia prito, we're second year already and she looked at me with a smile on her face. i'm going to miss her.

i was counting down the days until it would be summer and during the last minutes of school, i couldn't believe my first year was finished already. i had to wrap my head around the thought that i'd be entering my school next year as a sophomore and not a freshman.

i still think that the next time i go to class, i'm going to the same classroom, the same classmates, same sched, same boring lectures and same seatmates that help the time pass. i still think that when i walk around that school, i'll be seeing the same faces but i won't be.

this time, the seniors won't be there and we won't be the youngest anymore. this time, people younger than us will be walking around with blue id's instead of the eldest ones.

the seniors are gone but i suppose, they aren't the seniors anymore. and we, no longer the freshmen. we're sophomore now, aren't we?

or are we still freshmen? are they still the seniors? are we still the youngest of highschool until we walk up the "steps" to school during the first day of school once june comes?

i'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song. drop a heart, break a name. 

honestly, i'm still amazed at the thought that someone can be in a low mood and you can't help but be in low mood too. 

take aim at myself, take back what you said, take aim at myself.

how when someone doesn't talk to you, you can get really emo and when they message you, you're the most hyper person ever.

it's hard to say it, time to say it, good bye, good bye

and it sucks when they don't even notice. or they do and they just don't care.

she laughs at my dreams, but i dream about her laughter. strange as it seems, she's the one i'm after

no, i haven't gone gay. or maybe i have. you never know. 

Swallow me then spit me out. For hating you, I blame myself. Seeing you it kills me no.
No, I don't cry on the outside. Anymore...

when did i ever cry on the outside, anyway?